I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
