I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
