I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize