I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
