She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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