well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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