just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
His nipple licking is glorious
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