i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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