My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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