One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
