Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
