She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
