Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Congratulations! We have a period
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
