three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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