im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
