dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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