You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
