but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
