I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
