Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
