It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
