i barfeds in our rink
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
