don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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