its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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