I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
