Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
