If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Pants are for mortals
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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