I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
