You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
