Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize