whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
