I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
