I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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