mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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