You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
