you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
