I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
