my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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