Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
