Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Houston, we have a squirter
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
