i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
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