Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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