Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
