i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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