he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
