i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
