sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
