Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
