I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
