I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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