I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
