That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
