dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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