i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he was CRYING into my vagina
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
