Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
