Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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