u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
