just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
