just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize