Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
