am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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