I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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