I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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