I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize