well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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