the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize