Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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