I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
